It’s More Than Okay To Say NO

Do you fall into the trap of people pleasing?  Saying “yes” when we really want to say “no.”  So many of us are overextended, but we need to remind ourselves that there are only 24 hours a day, 168 hours a week. If you sleep the recommended 8 hours a night, you’re left with 112 hours in a week.  How do YOU want to spend those hours?  Do what you want to do and not what others want you to.

Imagine if you work a 40 hour week–you are down to 72 hours a week. Okay, now factor everything else into those 72 hours. At some point you need to make a judgment call and realize you can’t do everything all the time, or you will burn yourself out.

Saying “no” is an acquired skill.  There are many reasons why we have so much trouble saying it, even if it’s in our best interest to do so. Some of the reasons include that we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, we don’t want them to think negative thoughts such as we’re being unkind or selfish, or, we avoid it in order to try to avoid confrontation. ‘No’ may be a mere two letters–but it is a powerful word.

1. What’s or Who’s at the top of your list? The starting point for deciding to retake your time is to make and set your priorities. Write down what is most important to you. Remember to include yourself and your health on the list. You can’t care for others if you’re not feeling well. It is often hard for most of us to be honest with ourselves. Display your list on a bulletin board, wipe board, your computer or in your journal– anywhere as long as you will look at it often. Make sure your list includes those who need and deserve your time.

2. Take time for yourself everyday. You are important and YOU deserve to take priority on your to-do list. Make sure you give yourself some free time to pamper yourself, just relax, or work on a hobby or craft–however you like to relax and decompress. Include rewards after completing tasks. Saying ‘no’ is not selfish. Plus, it may allow you the time to pursue new hobbies and interests. Saying ‘no’ can be very good for you and your well being.

3. Be brief, direct, and honest. Do not make excuses. People respect honesty. Be fair, and most of all remember to be fair to yourself. Treat yourself right and you can’t help but treat others right too. If you need to use humor to lighten the ‘no’, do it!

4. Do not make commitments you are not prepared to keep. Saying ‘no’ is only a refusal of that particular request. Take a minute and breathe before answering a request. Sometimes in the case of volunteer organizations, instead of tackling the entire world maybe you can volunteer to do one small task, like making a flyer or writing an article for the newsletter.

5. If you feel that you are unable to say ‘no’, especially to someone’s face, say you ‘need to think about it.’ Call after you have thought about it for a day or two before you answer, but be honest with yourself. It’s so easy to say ‘Yes’ at first, but remember ‘No’ is all right too. It will take time to get used to saying ‘No.’ Many of us are people pleasers so we want to say ‘yes’. We want people to like us.

6. Remember you don’t have to give a reason. We don’t give reasons when we say ‘yes’ so why should we have to give a reason for saying ‘no.’ A simple ‘I appreciate you asking, but no thanks’ will often do the trick. Kick your guilt to the curb!

7. Set limits. If you are only available to help a friend for 4 hours on Saturday, tell them that and stick to your limits. Keep in mind to be firm but polite. You need to recognize how much you can reasonably do.

8. What are you to do? Before you make a commitment, make sure you understand what exactly is expected of you. Are you expected to organize the entire party or just cook a dessert?

9. Think ahead. Organize yourself. Have clear to-do lists and a calendar in order to allow you to know what is coming up and whether you are able to make another commitment. Is it a long term or a short term commitment? Do you honestly have time for it? An agenda to organize your life is key!

10. Give some away. If nothing else works, remember to delegate some of your commitments to others. Delegation is the key to being a good leader. Break up things among family members, friends, organizations, or co-workers. Allow others to help you.

The next time you want to say “no” and you feel the pull to say yes (and possibly fall into people pleasing), just say no.  It is the best gift and way to honor yourself is to say no when you want to say no.  It may feel awkward and uncomfortable at first.  The more you do it in an appropriate, comfortable way, it will become easier.  Change your mindset that you are being true to you which, let’s face it, is the most important thing we can do for ourselves,

Believe In Yourself,
Cathy, CLC
Certified Life Coach, Weight Loss Surgery Coach
Certified Back On Track Facilitator